It has taken me quite some time to work up to writing another blog post, apologies. However, I’ve been finding this limbo land I have been thrown into quite difficult to deal with.
I finished my 6 sessions of chemotherapy on the 17th March. This I would have expected to feel celebratory however I have found myself feeling really sad and low. I managed to get through the worst of my symptoms which were a lot worse than had previously been despite a lower dose of chemo. Two weeks on I am left incredibly achy and sore all over, every muscle making me aware of the poisoning it has had to endure. Other than this and the mucositis clinging on, it is emotionally I am feeling not quite right. My anxiety has increased, especially when having to leave the house. I combat this by simply trying to force myself to do things, for example, I recently went on a trip with Teenage Cancer Trust to London to see The Who at the Royal Albert Hall. I was incredibly anxious before this trip, so much so I ended up throwing up before I got on the train to Manchester. However, I had a great time! I also experienced things I’d never dream I would such as meeting Noel Gallagher and Roger Daultry, touring the Royal Albert Hall, going on stage in front of thousands of people during the concert. This is what I need to keep reminding myself!! It all worked out in the end! The following day I also took part in a Fashion Show at Manchester Airport underneath Concorde which was an amazing experience. I walked, unaided, down a catwalk in front of hundreds of people and did so in heels despite being in pain.
I find that it is when I am at home and without much to do that I find myself feeling more depressed and just generally down. I am without motivation to do anything which is not like me! I have found, throughout treatment, that I am a person who cannot just ‘chill’ and like to be constantly busy or have a purpose. I am therefore going to attempt to do at least one small task each day to fill at least an hour of my time with something purposeful. PLAN!!!
I have also felt that in the last couple of months I have not seen many of my friends, through no fault of their own, just simply because I have been constantly unwell. However, this has made me feel quite lonely and disconnected. I also feel like I have lost confidence. My plan to combat this will be to try and plan little trips to see friends and meet up with people for meals or shopping or something. My next ‘thing’ will be to attend one of my best friends birthdays which will involve me getting trains and staying over night. I am hoping that in a couple of weeks time I will be in a better place mentally to deal with what used to be such a simple task.
LETS DO THIS !!!!! 🙂